Expectations vs Choices

I gave up high expectations of myself long ago… Or I thought I had until I started expecting so much of myself…

This season was sort of a blur in a way. I haphazardly put up my decorations; every couple of days or so I would add to them. I never did complete the traditional decorations I usually take pride in. The cozy feeling of the house covered in Christmas never quite got there. The smell of Christmassy candles burning only happened 2 or 3 times. I love Christmas music, yet as the days passed so quickly I would forget to play songs of the season. Only a few CD’s were even played from my collection of great Christmas music.

Any free time was spent on making a list and checking it twice. Most of the gifts to friends were given and weather it came with a song or just came with the rush of a door bell and a drop, at least they were given.

I really did put a lot of thought into the people I gave to. It may not have seemed like it when I didn’t put any personal notes on the cards, or didn’t make time to talk with people much as I was dropping a gift, the giving did come with thought and love. I love getting cards and letters from friends and family, that was (and always is) a source of joy for me!

Christmas is gone. Today (now a couple days ago) we packed it all away. We put away the decorations, filled the attic with the bright colors, the packages, boxes and bows. The stresses of getting the last things on the list, forgetting someone or something, and having sweets around constantly are gone and won’t be thought of again till next year.

As we put it all away and as I was working I thought, “It’s nice to get this out of the way…” What? What was that thought? It didn’t seem right. Why would I think that way about Christmas? The season I love so much? Why would I feel a burden from all of the joys of Christmas? It saddened me.

So the New Year ahead has begun. The regular routine of life is sounding pretty good. I am expecting things of myself that I hope I can come through with. I want better for my family. I want better for myself. I’ve thought a lot about it and it basically comes down to choices. I choose what I want for myself and my surroundings. If I choose lame, the out come is lame. So I will choose carefully.

I expect a lot of myself. If the choices I make disappoint me then I lose. The thing is that it really doesn’t matter. Expectations or not, what I choose to do and what I actually do are all that matters!

I think this year is going to be amazing! I am actually looking forward to 2009 and the things ahead. (I know, I’m already 3 days into it…) it has be a process in my mind to get myself to a place where I am ready to go through it, and write it down and commit my mind to making different choices.

If none of this makes sense to anyone else but me, that’s ok. It makes sense to me and that’s important. If you got to the end…I hope it was worth some of the time it took to get there. :)