In the beginning...

It's over! The surgery went well and it's been almost 4 - 24 hour periods since I had surgery.  It seems like a couple of weeks ago.  And that's my only problem... patience!

I am feeling well, maybe too well. Can someone coming out of surgery ever feel too well?  Probably not. Felling well is a good thing. Since the second day I haven't taken any pain medication. The nurse in the hospital got after me about that, but I wouldn't say I have too much pain.  I would say I have discomfort. I'm not used to the feelings of discomfort in my belly. I don't know where to place them in my mind. It's not sore muscles, it's not heart burn, it's not nausea. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, so it's a bit confusing to my brain. My guts feel heavy. Like a rock. There are pains like it's going to break away if I don't hold onto it. It's just all new.

So my body feels strong and good, my brain feels strong and good, my belly is the only thing that doesn't. I sorta wished I was more "out of it" like most people who just had surgery, because then I could sleep more, relax more, take it easy.  But I guess that's not how my brain works. I want to forget I had surgery and move on... Probably not the best idea!  So I have to keep slowing myself and my thoughts down! Oh man, maybe that's what the pain meds do for you!!  What was I thinking, I should of been taking pain meds all along to put me into lala land more!  Um Ya!...  Oh well. I can't justify it when I really don't think I need it. But in hindsight, I may have Scott go fill that prescription... ;)

Eating after gastric bypass surgery... Well, we really can't call it eating. It's more like drinking, or sipping from a spoon. There are very few things I can have right now. They include, WATER, broth, sugar free jello, sugar free Popsicles, 100% juice, and cream soups with no chunks and protein shakes.  I like the cream of chicken soup the most. That's the only thing that feels like I'm really eating. For some reason I haven't made a good protein shake yet!  I have to do that soon!!

The whole mental part starts from the beginning!  I look at food and I want it and I say to myself, "what have I done?" "how will I make it NOT EATING for a LONG time?" It's kind of overwhelming. So I try to focus on only the foods I'm allowed to have and push everything else out of my brain! In time it won't be so bad and I will be able to enjoy regular foods in small portions! That's what I want!!  That time will come.  But really, I am IMPATIENT! That's something I'll have to really work on!

It's been so soon since the surgery that I can't really say yet that it was the best option. Time will tell. Before surgery I thought it was the best option. Looking at Melanie and her experience with it, I thought it was the best option. I really hope to take the tool (surgery) and use it to my best advantage! Try to focus on the healthy ways of eating and progressing through this next year and really make it work for me.

I'm not sure why weight has to be a challenge. All of this, because I can't control my eating habits on my own? It sounds crazy. And sometimes it truly feels crazy. But what I know is that I had to make a decision for me. I had to make the best decision for my situation. Could I have gone on the Biggest Looser and lost weight? No doubt. Could I have successfully (for a long term) lost weight on my own? I don't think so. Is this the answer to all the problems in my life? No.  But it is the answer right now for me to try to find health. Last night I was feeling well enough to go to my niece's baptism. I saw a friend there who had obviously lost weight. In my freshly recovering state of post op surgery to loose weight, I say to her, "wow, you look really good, what have you been doing?"
She says, "I'm just eating smaller portions and I cut out blah blah blah..."
And I feel like a damn fool who just went and cut up her stomach to have similar results...  But then I get back into myself and stop worrying about the world and I think, "Billie, you are the only one who knows your particular challenges! You know what you need and you know how you work!  Don't look back! Don't be discouraged by anyone or anything! Don't allow someone else's story to derail what you are doing!  It's going to be ok. In the end, what I have chosen is for me is the path I am on, and I will make it work for me."  5-6 years ago I would have told anyone and everyone, "I'm not having that damn surgery!  No way!" But things change I guess. And after all that I have to say, I am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.     It's all going to work out! Life and challenges and trials and successes are all so funny! Aren't they? I don't really get it sometimes, but I'm just taking the ride anyway!