Regret

I have the problem my grandma calls "diarrhea of the mouth". I say what comes to my mind. Sometimes I don't have a very good filter. Maybe no filter at all.

This week, I said something really dumb, speaking (or in this case, writing) before I thought through what I would say. I hurt someone I love with all my heart. The thought that I caused this person to feel any added pain in their life has filled me with sadness. I would never want to hurt this person on purpose. Never! And yet, I did.

This week I was made aware of a past action of mine that may have led people to question my character and leadership abilities. I was again saddened by my lack of ability to portray who I think I am, and instead I came across as a person who may not be fit to be a leader. I feel cut to the core and have begun to question myself, my abilities and my own motives!

This week I have lamented again over the loss of a friend because of a misunderstanding many years ago. There is nothing I can do about this one. I tried with all my might to right a perceived wrong, but the loss is still present and continues to hurt my heart even to this day. Again, something I said was misunderstood and I hurt someone else.

I'm not sure where to go with the reality that I hurt or offend others with my words. I'm not sure how to change myself. It is never my intention to hurt, but yet I do. It is on my mind and weighs heavy on my heart and for now I will ponder and pray about how to make change.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish there was no regret.