Carter

This was my son's post on facebook tonight...

"Well, today my band teacher resigned. This is his last week. He said the amount of pressure on his head was unbearable. He is putting is family first by moving to a school where he feels more secure, where he will teach choir. I say good for him. Mr. Dingeldein was probably one of the most influential teachers I ever had. I'm sad that I only had the privilege of knowing him for one and a half years. He has urged me on, made music fun, and helped shape who I am today. When I am older, I want to go into the music business. I can only hope to be, to my future students, what he was for me. We all love him very much. Although I will miss him very much, I wish him the best of luck at his new school. Hopefully the students at Oak Hills will get the same amazing teacher we had, and that he gets the same love that we had for him. I am glad to have had the opportunity to know Mr. Dingeldein."

I can't read it without it breaking my heart and bringing tears to my eyes. I know Carter looked forward to the next 3 years with this man more than anything else!! I'm so sad for him that he won't get the opportunity.

I am also so proud to be Carter's mother. I am proud of the dignity he displays. I am proud of the character he has! He is an example to everyone around him. I can not even begin to write how many times adults have come up to Scott and I to tell us some experience they have had with our son, or how they have seen amazing traits in him, or some comment praising one of his gifts or an impressive action they witnessed. He truly is a wonderful boy. He teaches me, baffles me, makes me so grateful. I feel so blessed to have the calling of being his mother.

Thankfuls

Shareing thankful thoughts on facebook has been a really good experience. I have found myself more and more thankful all the time. Thankful for big things, thankful for little things. Thankful for lots of things. I am feeling really blessed lately. Thankful is a good thing.

Unbearable Lightness

I'm going to take a risk here. In front of the blog world, or at least to those people who ever stumble onto my blog. Why? I don't know. I'm feeling the need for honesty right now.

Unbearable Lightness is the name of a book written by Porcha DeRossi about her fight with anorexia and bulimia and the obsession with being thin. I watched an episode of Oprah tonight, (I don't watch it much anymore) that spotlighted this book and it resonated with me on such a deep, core level.

I don't physically resemble Porcha in any way (dang it), yet, I have felt some of the same feelings she describes. When she describes binging and purging food and the ways it filled her void, it sounded like I was hearing my own thoughts. When she describes the inner hate she feels for herself, I hear the words ringing in my own ears. The words I have heard myself say a million times in my own head.

It is a bit scary to admit this kind of naked truth. But I find myself doing it more and more in my journey toward health. It is freeing for me to admit to myself and to others my struggle. I count 13 years of my adult life as years that I found comfort not only in food, but also in bulimia. And in the remaining years, when the bulimia wasn't present, I just found comfort in food; yet emptiness and often panic in my loss of control over it. In order to stay-off the bulimia, I felt I had to give up all control of my issues with food. And so I did. I gave up control... The results weren't pretty. They weren't healthy, they weren't me. But yet, they are what my body has become.

So now the honesty is out there in my world of acquaintances. It's not like anyone would be shocked by the words, but I need to move on to the next step in my life. Sometimes, as private as we would like to think our lives are, they are really very transparent. People can see hurt and pain. Mine shows up in pounds. I tell myself that a smile will cover it and no one will know, but everyone knows.

I don't feel that same pain now, like I did only a short time ago. When I wear a smile it is more genuine than it ever has been before, but the weight continues to linger, as a reminder of hurt and pain that was so real and so damaging.

Fear is not lost inside. I still have fears that would like to take control of me. And in these times I try to remember where I've come from. I try and turn to the Savior to heal that. What else can I do?

It's all a journey, a step by step, moment by moment journey.