THE week!

It's going to be a fun week kids!  I'm looking forward to it!  Tomorrow I have to get a ton of stuff done. Tuesday is the pre-op visits to the doctor and the hospital and Wednesday is the surgery!!  It's here finally! I still don't know what to expect every step of the way, but I'm just glad I'm going to have the chance to find out!

Surgery is down in Temecula which is like 90 min away from us. That part is kind of a bummer. But it will all be ok! I don't need visitors. I just want to move forward! I'm even looking forward to sitting in the hospital for two days.  Like "club med", only we'll call it "CLUB HOSPITAL".  Nice time to rest and relax, right? I could always use the rest!  I'm going to be like my dad and see how many laps I can do around my unit in the hospital before I get out!  :) 

But until Wednesday I have tons to do to get ready.  I'm not so good at that stuff, but I need to focus the next couple of days!  Really... 

the truth is...

Oh, I have lots of thoughts in my head tonight.

Tonight is the first night I am a bit worried about Kendahl. I'm not really sure why, but I am.  I haven't talked to her today.  Maybe that's it. We texted for a second, but not much. I miss her. I hope she's happy.

In 5 days I'm going to have that "damn" surgery. I'm mostly excited about it. I am nervous about the unknown. I must be nervous about other things too because honestly, I'm freaking out a little inside.

This morning as I was getting ready for work and thinking in my head like I do, I started down a thought path that kinda made me sad. It was that people will probably be more receptive to me when I have lost weight. I thought that people really don't look at fat people for all they truly are. They kind of look until the fat gets in the way. Often I think fat people are dismissed without being given the opportunity to show people what is on the inside.  I think it's harder for a fat person to be given the credit that is due them.  These may be total generalizations, but as a heavy person myself, it feels that way often. It really feels that only part of me is accepted.  Again, total generalization. I know there are wonderful people who love me, value me and treat me with respect, but in the same breath, there are others who do not. I'm just sayin...  It's hard to be heavy.  If I beat this weight issue, that has been such a trial to me my whole life, I will not forget the lessons I have learned along the way.  And if this all doesn't make sense to anyone else, I'm sorry, but it does to me and it will be a good reminder later.

I'm wondering what I expect from this surgery.  A friend asked me the other day, "how much do you think you'll loose?" I was kinda taken back.  He also asked what my insurance company expected me to loose.  My answer was not in pounds, my answer was, "until I'm healthy".  I don't really have an expectation of myself.  I want to be healthy, I want to hike mountains and ride a bike and row boats. That's what I want. I want my knees to stop hurting, I want my blood sugars to be normal. I want to live a long life! I want to move freely and smile a lot!

Utah and leaving my baby

It only took a couple weeks for Kendahl to get her things in order, a couple of hours to pack it in, the whole back of the surburban to hold and 10 hours to get there!  But we made it! It's hard to believe we have a college student, but as young as we are, it's true!  (I know we look much younger! No laughing please.)

We took the opportunity to do everything we could in Provo.  Went to the bookstore, got her ID, found her classes, fixed her messed up financial aid. All fun stuff. It was cool to be with her and helping her to get adjusted. She seemed to take it all in and looked both nervous and excited at the same time.

While in Provo we were lucky to stay in  a condo of a friend!  It was on a bluff and it overlooked all of Provo and especially BYU!  :)  It made us happy every minute we spent in the house!  Everyone couldn't get enough of the balcony and sitting looking at the beauty everywhere.

And other than BYUing we took two hikes. One up to Bridal Veil Falls, which was both terrifying to me and yet amazing! There were a couple of places landslides had hit and the trail was wiped out and we had to carefully climb over slippery nothingness.  ARG...  Everyone (except me) loved being up there!!

 Brodric was sad when I wouldn't let him go higher on the rocks.  Ya, I'm a bit freaky about heights and long rough falls.

If you look closely on the right hand corner it is my brother Rick and Brodric. Brodric went climbing up the face of the waterfalls.  He's a crazy kid!

 The second hike was to the Y up on the mountain above BYU.  It was really steep and really hard! I wanted to do it really bad, even though I was not in good shape to be doing it.  I'm glad I did. It was pretty cool.  Again, I'm pretty freaked out about heights, so I didn't love that part.  We didn't stay at the top long.

 Scott is crazy and LOVES heights...The higher the better.

 At the top! He actually got there long before we did.  I think he was sick of waiting!

This was an awesome trip to Provo, for a great reason!  I think we will be back a lot more than were used to.  Kendahl is an amazing girl and I think she'll love college!

Over/emotional

Overwhelmed today!  Feeling like it's all too much. Sometimes life is just like that. Overwhelming.

In our business a bookkeeper is a KEY position. Today was our bookkeeper's last day. :(   She decided she is moving to Las Vegas to be near her family. I'm sad about it.  She has played a special roll in my life and I hope I have in hers too. I'm not good at good bye's. I feel like people are leaving ME. I know she's not leaving me, she's just doing what she feels is best for herself right now. That still doesn't make it any easier. She has spent a week training her replacement.  The replacement is a sweet lady.  She has big shoes to fill and I hope we give her the support and space to do it!  One of the most stressful parts is the timing. It seems we always have this change in our business at the worst of times!  I'm grateful for the week of training she's had, but she will need so much more. I have a few days here, a few days there and the inbetweens are just gone!  A trip to Utah and then surgery that will take me out for at least a couple of weeks.  Ugh... One month from now I'll be back up and running, but it may be a rough month.  Not good timing!

Thing number two that adds to what is "too much" is taking Kendahl to college.  There are only 2 days left.  WHAT???  Two days??  Oh my gosh!  She's not packed, I'm not packed, I'm not ready! And I don't think she's ready! HELP...  That's all I have to say about that, I guess. Wish us luck in making it there, making sure she's well equipped to handle it, and being able to leave her alone... I don't have confidence yet.

And number three, it's only 15 days till my surgery... only 8 days till my pre-op appointment. I don't know if the doctor will be ok with my efforts thus far.  I am getting scared. Tonight probably isn't a good time to talk about it. I feel emotional, and vulnerable.  I don't know where this lack of confidence came from tonight. I guess just getting closer to the real date brings hesitation. Am I doing the right thing? Am I capable of going through this? Can I trust myself to do it right? There are a lot of scary questions that I have to ask myself. I don't think it will be easy and I'm starting to worry. Emotions stink. Who every thought of the idea of having emotions anyway?

quick run down

Saturday:
Yard work,
weeds,
sunshine,
Mom and boys in pool to cool off! 
Wedding reception,
social anxiety,
Home to relax in jammies!! 

Sunday:
Sleep in,
enjoying Sacrament meeting,
took on ALL roles in Primary. Conducting, Sharing time, Singing time! All Sister Noh, All the time.
Happy.
Cooking with Baillie,
Missionaries for dinner,
Good gospel discussion,
Talking Temples with Lyndi.
Tired, goodnight!

AVHS

My Carter decided to switch schools. So now we're going to split the pack. Two at Riverside Prep, one at Apple and one at BYU. I guess the pack was splitting anyway due to Kendahl moving on. Carter believes (and right now I agree) he can get more challenging classes at Apple. I hope he does and I hope he loves it!! They have an established band which is also a great plus for him.
Best wishes my tall son! <3

I have really wonderful children. Tonight as I was sitting in a quiet house just doing my own thing while the kids were all reading books and/or sleeping. I thought to myself how blessed I am. They are such good souls. I'm not sure how I was chosen to be their mother, but I am a lucky lady. They are amazing people. I have such trust and confidence in them. I am blessed.

good night.

In the end... All is well. The kids had a good first day of school. Everyone was happy. Kendahl and Scott haven't even arrived home yet because they are working on a huge job at Silverado High School in Victorville.

I took the other three kids to Denny's and then to frozen yogurt for Children's day. Growing up my parents made Aug. 1st Children's Day. I guess back then there wasn't anything like that. So ever since, my mom continues to celebrate, as well as many of my sisters and their families. I'm not a good celebrator, so my kids aren't too familiar with it. But I took them out anyway. It was nice. They were gracious and kind and we enjoyed each other.

Happy Children's Day everyone...  :)  good night.

No Regrets

I thought I'd post about the top ten regrets of the first day of school... But I don't really have any. Why do I feel so sad then? Maybe because Baillie looked so worried. I hope she has a great day. I hope they all have good first days of school. Brodric has a great teacher so I know he'll be fine. Probably better than fine. Carter, if his schedule is good, will be great. I hope Bay is too.

I do this every year, worry about them the whole day till I hear if it was good or not. Which gets me to thinking... How am I going to drive away from Provo in a couple of weeks?

New School Year, New Excitement!

Oh, the blogging has to commence before tomorrow when school starts!

I wanted to share that Miss Clara Baillie has had her first camp experience. Even though it was only 1.5 days, it was a great time for her! The amazing women of our stake somehow made everything from a weeks worth of camp experiences fit into a day and a half! I don't know how they did it, but they did and it was a huge success. One of the saddest but neatest things was that Baillie shared that she was sad that she didn't have a sister at camp with her. "Everyone had a sister" was how she saw it. Then she actually let Kendahl know that she really wished she had been there. And she hugged her!! I thought that was really neat! They are two very different girls and it's not often I see the affection between them. So I was grateful. Not that Baillie felt alone, but that she realized the need for the love of a sister. Some day maybe they will find a need for one another.

In two and a half weeks we take Kendahl up to school. I am getting so nervous. I have high hopes for her and I also am scared to death to drop her off and let her live life on her own!! I think sometimes a mom is too close to see or know how their child will really handle themselves when given all the choices. Knowing their strengths as well as their weaknesses may not always be the best place to be.

What I do know is that she is capable and she is smart and she has it in her to live an amazing life. I love her smile and her laughter. She's friendly and while she thinks she will have a hard time getting along with room mates, I don't think she will! She's so cute, she made a blog for her college life. It's called "Probably Should Be Doing Homework". Here's the LINK to her page! So go read it from her point of view!

We have a busy week ahead! Should be fun. Carter is going to be in 10th grade, Clara Bay is in the 7th, and Brodric will be in the 3rd. I'm excited for them all!  We also start up piano again this week. Yay for that because I've had it with wasting time!! I'd rather them be playing piano. They played enough video games this summer to last a year!!  I told them tonight that we will be video game free for two weeks and then we'll see how it goes from there. I could let them go forever. The blessing we have as far as video games go is that our kids play very mild video games. No shooting, killing stuff!  Grateful!!! 

So, here we go!!  :)