Oh, I have lots of thoughts in my head tonight.
Tonight is the first night I am a bit worried about Kendahl. I'm not really sure why, but I am. I haven't talked to her today. Maybe that's it. We texted for a second, but not much. I miss her. I hope she's happy.
In 5 days I'm going to have that "damn" surgery. I'm mostly excited about it. I am nervous about the unknown. I must be nervous about other things too because honestly, I'm freaking out a little inside.
This morning as I was getting ready for work and thinking in my head like I do, I started down a thought path that kinda made me sad. It was that people will probably be more receptive to me when I have lost weight. I thought that people really don't look at fat people for all they truly are. They kind of look until the fat gets in the way. Often I think fat people are dismissed without being given the opportunity to show people what is on the inside. I think it's harder for a fat person to be given the credit that is due them. These may be total generalizations, but as a heavy person myself, it feels that way often. It really feels that only part of me is accepted. Again, total generalization. I know there are wonderful people who love me, value me and treat me with respect, but in the same breath, there are others who do not. I'm just sayin... It's hard to be heavy. If I beat this weight issue, that has been such a trial to me my whole life, I will not forget the lessons I have learned along the way. And if this all doesn't make sense to anyone else, I'm sorry, but it does to me and it will be a good reminder later.
I'm wondering what I expect from this surgery. A friend asked me the other day, "how much do you think you'll loose?" I was kinda taken back. He also asked what my insurance company expected me to loose. My answer was not in pounds, my answer was, "until I'm healthy". I don't really have an expectation of myself. I want to be healthy, I want to hike mountains and ride a bike and row boats. That's what I want. I want my knees to stop hurting, I want my blood sugars to be normal. I want to live a long life! I want to move freely and smile a lot!
5/13/19
2 years ago
1 comment:
See I knew your brain was thinking, I want to talk! I love you for you, I get what you are saying, but there are also people who look past image and are able to see what people's hearts are. I love YOU. No matter what you look like, what you say, what you do...I love you and I am proud of you. I think you are learning things through this process that are more important then weight, and will be able to help others who struggle. I think you are awesome!
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