Oh, I hate to write on here stuff that might not be so positive, but here I go... (that was a little warning, so don't blame me if you aren't uplifted at all!) I have lived the past year with more positive thoughts and wonderful outlooks than ever before. The sun shines in my heart 90% of the time. But when it happens now, the same 'ol sutff can still get me down. When it happens I think I can smile it away or pray it away or something, but it seems to find a way to rear it's ugly head...
Today we went to the Temple as a partnership, including Taft and Nikki. It's an hour drive, the rain was pouring down, I was really tired, and while I really wanted to go, a part of me totally didn't want to go. I think several of us may have been feeling the same way, but we went anyway! And as you all know, it was worth it in the end. While in the Temple I feel peaceful, calm, and ok, and that's how it's supposed to be. But soon after leaving the Temple grounds it all came back. I'ts not horrible or anything. I can still put on a pretend smile and go about my day, but hanging just out of sight is this looming thing, bigger than I am... I know it's not too big for God. I leanred that on Veggie Tales, :) but it's bigger than me and apparently my faith isn't kicking in like it needs to.
So that's my story and it's not going to end with, "it was all better in the end", this time. Because I continue to fight my deamons and I continue to struggle here and there. Someday I'll overcome the challenges that linger in my mind. Tomorrow I hope to wake with a different outlook. But tonight I am going to bed early.
5/13/19
2 years ago
3 comments:
real...I love real. (you always are, so that wasn't any kind of underlying message). And I HAVE COMPLETELY noticed your sunshine heart. I have been in awe of it. Not my strong suit. Love you, Billie. And way to go for going to the temple when you didn't want to. When I don't want to, I don't.
Sometimes I wonder if this is hereditary??? I struggle everyday to have a good day. Self talk is my help, but sometimes I can't talk myself out of it and I just want to sleep and I have. The kids keep me going.
Keep pushing through the fog, the light is there. I can't always see it and I have to pretend to see it.
I know this seems weird, but I have to watch a good war movie, spy movie or musical...no chick flicks....I need to be pumped up...adrenalin is what I need.
This is just rambling.....blah,blah,.....I hope the sunshines for you today:)
I love you for this post. Not so bad,the less than positive part. I also struggle with how real to be in my blogging. I mean, I'm always real, but -- you know what I'm saying. I love the part where you said, "I'm going to bed early"... some self care sounds very appropriate!
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