Christmas Choir

I was part of our Stake Christmas Choir tonight and really enjoyed myself. We put on a program with beautiful songs. It was fun. We have been practicing for a couple of months now. Last week I actually told myself that I wouldn't do it again because of the time it took every Sunday evening to practice, but today as I reflect I'm glad I did it and I'd do it again! It has been wonderful singing Christmas songs. It helps me get in the spirit of the season and I love them.

Other Christmas thoughts...
I don't really have many... Well, I thought I'd be so ahead this year. I got a good start, got lots of gifts, started wrapping early, but the time has crept up and there's only a week left till Christmas. It seems like there is still so much to do! I'll be busy doing it and before you know it Christmas will be here.  I won't be done even when it is. I never am.  But I just do my best.

Merry Christmas to anyone who reads this. :)

Focus on the Significant

This is a beautiful quote from Elder Uchtdorf. I saw it tonight and thought how I need to spend some time pondering it. This is a problem for me in my life. I pass over the significant to focus on the non-important things and it really does not help me to be happy in my life. I day dream and live in the stories in my head most of the time. Sounds silly, but it is true for me.

December Saturdays and Volleyball

Saturdays are a precious commodity around our house. And the more there is to get done, the more Saturday's are like gold. Today was no different. With Christmas coming and the holidays it seems like there are a million things to get done. But we spent the first half of this day at Clara Baillie's volleyball tournament. Our Clara Baillie made the middle school volleyball team this year and I have really enjoyed going to watch her team. I haven't watched her play too much due to the lack of play time she gets, but I have been there to support her none the less. She really has a passion for the game and she wants to learn more and play more.
 She did play half of one game, and we were so excited about it! Her team ended up 3rd out of 6 teams. Not too bad considering they didn't practice much all season, and they have a very non-caring coach. I mean a super duper non-caring coach! Our Saturday wasn't all spent watching volleyball. We did end up accomplishing quite a bit too. We got Christmas lights up and we picked up carpet from the Tuckers. I did grocery shopping and we all pitched in on the laundry. Not too bad I'd say. I'm tired, but in a good way.

excuses, blessings and things.

Oh my goodness, it's been forever since I've put my fingers to the key board in order to write on the blog! Pintrest has been the death of the blog for me. I sit at night and while Scott it chatting away, or while the TV is playing one of my shows, I sit and browse Pinterest. I like it and it makes me happy to find new and interesting things. But it sure has cut into my blogging time.

Time has continued to go by and I can hardly believe it's NOVEMBER! I'm enjoying the cooler weather, walking in the mornings with a friend, working a little and chasing kids around doing the things that they do, (like band and volleyball.) One of the benefits of Pinterest is that I have tried a few new recipes and began a few projects that I'm particularly excited about. These two months, November and December usually go by with such speed that I can hardly even enjoy them. But I seem to be more relaxed than in years past and I think I may even have a little holiday spirit about me.

Our Thanksgiving will be spent here at home. Last year must have done me in, because back then I made note in my calendar that I would NOT go out of town for Thanksgiving! And I'm staying true to that! (Although I thought for a minute that we may have to go up to Utah if Kendahl couldn't make it down here.) We plan on having Thanksgiving right here in our home and inviting family over if they wish to spend it with us. I hope for a nice calm holiday!

On facebook lots of people are sharing daily the things they are thankful for. I don't know why, but I didn't get into doing that. So I'll just take a moment to share some things that come to mind. Tonight I am thankful for music and singing. I was called to be the choir director in our ward, and quite frankly, I was not too excited about it. I like to sing, but I have never directed a choir and I didn't trust my ability to take that on and also to have to be in attendance at church through the holidays. (Mostly because I like to travel to Mesa and I want the abililty to go if I feel the need to go.) I was also afraid that no one would come to choir and I was not looking forward to bugging everyone to death to PLEASE come. I hate selling stuff, and I don't want to have to sell choir to a ward full of talented people that apparently don't see the need. So with those apprehensions I went forward anyway. Today was a really good experience. Standing in front of the choir who stands to sing is intimidating. Pretending that I know enough to bring them in at the right times and that I know how seemed intimidating also. But it is also powerful.  Tonight I got to go sing at a practice with the Stake choir. It was wonderful. The music is beautiful and inspiring. I love to sing. I was saying a little prayer during it that I could keep my voice. It is seeming to get more fragile as I get older and it kinda makes me sad. I hope it sticks around for a few more years because I sure enjoy using it!

That's it for now. I'll try to be more thankful through the upcoming weeks and to share those thoughts too!

Quote of the day.

Favorite quote of the day:

"He listened. Not just waiting to talk, like everyone else."

Off some dumb tv show. But it is how I want to live my life more.  I want to be a better listener.

Beach Blessings

We're here! In Carpinteria. Finally. :) 
So looking forward to the next 5 days to hang out by the ocean, take long walks, live in a trailer and just not think too much.
If a picture is a thousand words, mine is about 500. Because I don't have a camera this year.  Ok, I do have a camera, but not my good one. The good one has broken lenses. I'm going to limp along with the point and shoot I have and hope something worthwhile comes out.
Just happy to be here. Missing friends and family who have shared this experience with me in the past so many times. But happy to have new friends, and planning on the best. 

Thoughts

I have lots of thoughts in my head tonight. I really enjoyed General Conference this weekend. I cooked and baked through the last session and in a few minutes we are going to eat deliciousness. I feel kinda strange right now. That's nothing new for me, I'm just kinda strange. I have so many things about myself that I need to work on. I guess Conference made me think about those, and that's on my mind. Lots of faults, lots of weaknesses. I'm wondering why I don't feel more uplifted, and why I do feel so unworthy. I need to go back and read some of the wonderful talks like Pres. Uchtdorf's from Sat. morning.

That's all I guess. Nothing good to share. I'll come up with something good eventually.

Pinteresting...

I've become a Pinterest addict! It's true. I love finding cool stuff, putting it on boards and using the ideas! Today I cooled chicken stroganoff tonight, a recipe I got off of pinterst. It turned out so yummy!! Well, I only had a tiny bit, but still, it was Yum! There are tons of craft things I want to do from there too! I hope someday in my life I find time to relax by doing crafting.

Today on Facebook there were some really cool pictures of Halloween things that I wanted to pin, but I don't know how to do it unless it is on a blog. So I'm going to put them on here so I can pin them. hehe! So don't mind these pictures unless you want to pin them!

Fall Ahead

I thought it was here this past weekend - Fall!
Apparently I was wrong. The heat returned!
I love Fall almost as much as I love Spring. I can't wait for the cool weather, the smells, the early evenings. There are so many things about it to love!
The only sad thing about fall is that it goes by so quickly!!
Halloween comes and you think your there, right in the middle of it, but then it is GONE! How does that happen.
I'm not really sure when Fall turns into Winter, but at some point you have to stop wearing earth toned clothing and all of a sudden it's red's and black. How does it happen?
I think I'll just have to start Fall before it really cools off.

{Another thing to look forward to with Fall is that Kendahl will hopefully come home for Thanksgiving! That's a awesome thing. I miss her like crazy. She lost her phone so there was a week or so there that I couldn't communicate with her because she wouldn't email... And, even though I annoy her I hope she is looking forward to it too. }

BYU Football

BYU football with my boy. 

 Texted the BYU student daughter to see if she was watching it too! Yep!

  Nice Saturday evening while everyone else is in Seattle.  

I miss my family who's gone!!

I'm sorry, Back to Reality and Motherhood

In an effort to safe the news of the Noh's, I started another blog to ramble on about that surgery stuff so it doesn't interfere with what's really important here! If you're at all interested, you can read about it at: http://www.icanonlydoit.blogspot.com/  I'll share everything there, gory or not. :D  So beware!

Now, I have to talk about being a mom.  Yesterday was a holiday and Kendahl told me she had waited up till 3 in the morning for her cousins to come on their way home from AZ.  They were bringing some important stuff she needed.  She said she didn't go to sleep because she was worried she would not wake up when they actually got there. So, being the worrier and control freak that I am I was worried that if she didn't get to bed early last night that she would be dead tired for classes today and she might not wake up in time! Last night... I seriously... messaged her and told her she better go to bed early!  Like I have any control over what she does 10 hours away!  Then I seriously considered calling her this morning to make sure she was awake!!  I didn't! Don't worry! 

When does a mom stop being a mom? How does one let go, anyway?

I miss carbs...

Sorry, but every post for a while will probably be about this damn surgery!  Just a friendly warning. :) 

Boy, do I miss crackers and bread and anything else I can actually chew with my teeth! Chips would be nice.  It's not like I had a plethora of them before... well, maybe I did.  But I'll tell you what, I really miss it now.  All of it! Eating is nice. 

But! I'm doing my best to combat it. I'm enjoying smells a lot more... Like this morning when I woke to the smell of bacon...  Yaaaa, it's hard.

I usually tell people who are going on a drastic diet how bad it is for them. So today I was thinking and realizing that I've been eating like 300 calories a day... or something like that, maybe. How am I not dead?  Well, as long as I drink water, the doc says that for a while my body takes it's calories from my fat!  Go ahead body, take those calories why don't you?!

I have been feeling amazingly good the past 4 days. So today I thought I could vacuum the floor because the kids did a really good job of cleaning. Probably not such a good idea. Just vacuuming the floor wiped me out!! I'm talking like I was tired!  Hmmm, think it's cause I'm only consuming 300 calories? (I don't know, but the instructions from surgery specifically say not to vacuum... I'm still only 5 days out of surgery.) Craziness, right?  Don't worry, it will all start to even out! Soon I'll add things to my diet and be able to eat better.  Eggs are what I am really looking forward to!  And Beans!  Have I already mentioned that?  :)

In the beginning...

It's over! The surgery went well and it's been almost 4 - 24 hour periods since I had surgery.  It seems like a couple of weeks ago.  And that's my only problem... patience!

I am feeling well, maybe too well. Can someone coming out of surgery ever feel too well?  Probably not. Felling well is a good thing. Since the second day I haven't taken any pain medication. The nurse in the hospital got after me about that, but I wouldn't say I have too much pain.  I would say I have discomfort. I'm not used to the feelings of discomfort in my belly. I don't know where to place them in my mind. It's not sore muscles, it's not heart burn, it's not nausea. It's like nothing I've ever felt before, so it's a bit confusing to my brain. My guts feel heavy. Like a rock. There are pains like it's going to break away if I don't hold onto it. It's just all new.

So my body feels strong and good, my brain feels strong and good, my belly is the only thing that doesn't. I sorta wished I was more "out of it" like most people who just had surgery, because then I could sleep more, relax more, take it easy.  But I guess that's not how my brain works. I want to forget I had surgery and move on... Probably not the best idea!  So I have to keep slowing myself and my thoughts down! Oh man, maybe that's what the pain meds do for you!!  What was I thinking, I should of been taking pain meds all along to put me into lala land more!  Um Ya!...  Oh well. I can't justify it when I really don't think I need it. But in hindsight, I may have Scott go fill that prescription... ;)

Eating after gastric bypass surgery... Well, we really can't call it eating. It's more like drinking, or sipping from a spoon. There are very few things I can have right now. They include, WATER, broth, sugar free jello, sugar free Popsicles, 100% juice, and cream soups with no chunks and protein shakes.  I like the cream of chicken soup the most. That's the only thing that feels like I'm really eating. For some reason I haven't made a good protein shake yet!  I have to do that soon!!

The whole mental part starts from the beginning!  I look at food and I want it and I say to myself, "what have I done?" "how will I make it NOT EATING for a LONG time?" It's kind of overwhelming. So I try to focus on only the foods I'm allowed to have and push everything else out of my brain! In time it won't be so bad and I will be able to enjoy regular foods in small portions! That's what I want!!  That time will come.  But really, I am IMPATIENT! That's something I'll have to really work on!

It's been so soon since the surgery that I can't really say yet that it was the best option. Time will tell. Before surgery I thought it was the best option. Looking at Melanie and her experience with it, I thought it was the best option. I really hope to take the tool (surgery) and use it to my best advantage! Try to focus on the healthy ways of eating and progressing through this next year and really make it work for me.

I'm not sure why weight has to be a challenge. All of this, because I can't control my eating habits on my own? It sounds crazy. And sometimes it truly feels crazy. But what I know is that I had to make a decision for me. I had to make the best decision for my situation. Could I have gone on the Biggest Looser and lost weight? No doubt. Could I have successfully (for a long term) lost weight on my own? I don't think so. Is this the answer to all the problems in my life? No.  But it is the answer right now for me to try to find health. Last night I was feeling well enough to go to my niece's baptism. I saw a friend there who had obviously lost weight. In my freshly recovering state of post op surgery to loose weight, I say to her, "wow, you look really good, what have you been doing?"
She says, "I'm just eating smaller portions and I cut out blah blah blah..."
And I feel like a damn fool who just went and cut up her stomach to have similar results...  But then I get back into myself and stop worrying about the world and I think, "Billie, you are the only one who knows your particular challenges! You know what you need and you know how you work!  Don't look back! Don't be discouraged by anyone or anything! Don't allow someone else's story to derail what you are doing!  It's going to be ok. In the end, what I have chosen is for me is the path I am on, and I will make it work for me."  5-6 years ago I would have told anyone and everyone, "I'm not having that damn surgery!  No way!" But things change I guess. And after all that I have to say, I am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.     It's all going to work out! Life and challenges and trials and successes are all so funny! Aren't they? I don't really get it sometimes, but I'm just taking the ride anyway!

THE week!

It's going to be a fun week kids!  I'm looking forward to it!  Tomorrow I have to get a ton of stuff done. Tuesday is the pre-op visits to the doctor and the hospital and Wednesday is the surgery!!  It's here finally! I still don't know what to expect every step of the way, but I'm just glad I'm going to have the chance to find out!

Surgery is down in Temecula which is like 90 min away from us. That part is kind of a bummer. But it will all be ok! I don't need visitors. I just want to move forward! I'm even looking forward to sitting in the hospital for two days.  Like "club med", only we'll call it "CLUB HOSPITAL".  Nice time to rest and relax, right? I could always use the rest!  I'm going to be like my dad and see how many laps I can do around my unit in the hospital before I get out!  :) 

But until Wednesday I have tons to do to get ready.  I'm not so good at that stuff, but I need to focus the next couple of days!  Really... 

the truth is...

Oh, I have lots of thoughts in my head tonight.

Tonight is the first night I am a bit worried about Kendahl. I'm not really sure why, but I am.  I haven't talked to her today.  Maybe that's it. We texted for a second, but not much. I miss her. I hope she's happy.

In 5 days I'm going to have that "damn" surgery. I'm mostly excited about it. I am nervous about the unknown. I must be nervous about other things too because honestly, I'm freaking out a little inside.

This morning as I was getting ready for work and thinking in my head like I do, I started down a thought path that kinda made me sad. It was that people will probably be more receptive to me when I have lost weight. I thought that people really don't look at fat people for all they truly are. They kind of look until the fat gets in the way. Often I think fat people are dismissed without being given the opportunity to show people what is on the inside.  I think it's harder for a fat person to be given the credit that is due them.  These may be total generalizations, but as a heavy person myself, it feels that way often. It really feels that only part of me is accepted.  Again, total generalization. I know there are wonderful people who love me, value me and treat me with respect, but in the same breath, there are others who do not. I'm just sayin...  It's hard to be heavy.  If I beat this weight issue, that has been such a trial to me my whole life, I will not forget the lessons I have learned along the way.  And if this all doesn't make sense to anyone else, I'm sorry, but it does to me and it will be a good reminder later.

I'm wondering what I expect from this surgery.  A friend asked me the other day, "how much do you think you'll loose?" I was kinda taken back.  He also asked what my insurance company expected me to loose.  My answer was not in pounds, my answer was, "until I'm healthy".  I don't really have an expectation of myself.  I want to be healthy, I want to hike mountains and ride a bike and row boats. That's what I want. I want my knees to stop hurting, I want my blood sugars to be normal. I want to live a long life! I want to move freely and smile a lot!

Utah and leaving my baby

It only took a couple weeks for Kendahl to get her things in order, a couple of hours to pack it in, the whole back of the surburban to hold and 10 hours to get there!  But we made it! It's hard to believe we have a college student, but as young as we are, it's true!  (I know we look much younger! No laughing please.)

We took the opportunity to do everything we could in Provo.  Went to the bookstore, got her ID, found her classes, fixed her messed up financial aid. All fun stuff. It was cool to be with her and helping her to get adjusted. She seemed to take it all in and looked both nervous and excited at the same time.

While in Provo we were lucky to stay in  a condo of a friend!  It was on a bluff and it overlooked all of Provo and especially BYU!  :)  It made us happy every minute we spent in the house!  Everyone couldn't get enough of the balcony and sitting looking at the beauty everywhere.

And other than BYUing we took two hikes. One up to Bridal Veil Falls, which was both terrifying to me and yet amazing! There were a couple of places landslides had hit and the trail was wiped out and we had to carefully climb over slippery nothingness.  ARG...  Everyone (except me) loved being up there!!

 Brodric was sad when I wouldn't let him go higher on the rocks.  Ya, I'm a bit freaky about heights and long rough falls.

If you look closely on the right hand corner it is my brother Rick and Brodric. Brodric went climbing up the face of the waterfalls.  He's a crazy kid!

 The second hike was to the Y up on the mountain above BYU.  It was really steep and really hard! I wanted to do it really bad, even though I was not in good shape to be doing it.  I'm glad I did. It was pretty cool.  Again, I'm pretty freaked out about heights, so I didn't love that part.  We didn't stay at the top long.

 Scott is crazy and LOVES heights...The higher the better.

 At the top! He actually got there long before we did.  I think he was sick of waiting!

This was an awesome trip to Provo, for a great reason!  I think we will be back a lot more than were used to.  Kendahl is an amazing girl and I think she'll love college!

Over/emotional

Overwhelmed today!  Feeling like it's all too much. Sometimes life is just like that. Overwhelming.

In our business a bookkeeper is a KEY position. Today was our bookkeeper's last day. :(   She decided she is moving to Las Vegas to be near her family. I'm sad about it.  She has played a special roll in my life and I hope I have in hers too. I'm not good at good bye's. I feel like people are leaving ME. I know she's not leaving me, she's just doing what she feels is best for herself right now. That still doesn't make it any easier. She has spent a week training her replacement.  The replacement is a sweet lady.  She has big shoes to fill and I hope we give her the support and space to do it!  One of the most stressful parts is the timing. It seems we always have this change in our business at the worst of times!  I'm grateful for the week of training she's had, but she will need so much more. I have a few days here, a few days there and the inbetweens are just gone!  A trip to Utah and then surgery that will take me out for at least a couple of weeks.  Ugh... One month from now I'll be back up and running, but it may be a rough month.  Not good timing!

Thing number two that adds to what is "too much" is taking Kendahl to college.  There are only 2 days left.  WHAT???  Two days??  Oh my gosh!  She's not packed, I'm not packed, I'm not ready! And I don't think she's ready! HELP...  That's all I have to say about that, I guess. Wish us luck in making it there, making sure she's well equipped to handle it, and being able to leave her alone... I don't have confidence yet.

And number three, it's only 15 days till my surgery... only 8 days till my pre-op appointment. I don't know if the doctor will be ok with my efforts thus far.  I am getting scared. Tonight probably isn't a good time to talk about it. I feel emotional, and vulnerable.  I don't know where this lack of confidence came from tonight. I guess just getting closer to the real date brings hesitation. Am I doing the right thing? Am I capable of going through this? Can I trust myself to do it right? There are a lot of scary questions that I have to ask myself. I don't think it will be easy and I'm starting to worry. Emotions stink. Who every thought of the idea of having emotions anyway?

quick run down

Saturday:
Yard work,
weeds,
sunshine,
Mom and boys in pool to cool off! 
Wedding reception,
social anxiety,
Home to relax in jammies!! 

Sunday:
Sleep in,
enjoying Sacrament meeting,
took on ALL roles in Primary. Conducting, Sharing time, Singing time! All Sister Noh, All the time.
Happy.
Cooking with Baillie,
Missionaries for dinner,
Good gospel discussion,
Talking Temples with Lyndi.
Tired, goodnight!

AVHS

My Carter decided to switch schools. So now we're going to split the pack. Two at Riverside Prep, one at Apple and one at BYU. I guess the pack was splitting anyway due to Kendahl moving on. Carter believes (and right now I agree) he can get more challenging classes at Apple. I hope he does and I hope he loves it!! They have an established band which is also a great plus for him.
Best wishes my tall son! <3

I have really wonderful children. Tonight as I was sitting in a quiet house just doing my own thing while the kids were all reading books and/or sleeping. I thought to myself how blessed I am. They are such good souls. I'm not sure how I was chosen to be their mother, but I am a lucky lady. They are amazing people. I have such trust and confidence in them. I am blessed.

good night.

In the end... All is well. The kids had a good first day of school. Everyone was happy. Kendahl and Scott haven't even arrived home yet because they are working on a huge job at Silverado High School in Victorville.

I took the other three kids to Denny's and then to frozen yogurt for Children's day. Growing up my parents made Aug. 1st Children's Day. I guess back then there wasn't anything like that. So ever since, my mom continues to celebrate, as well as many of my sisters and their families. I'm not a good celebrator, so my kids aren't too familiar with it. But I took them out anyway. It was nice. They were gracious and kind and we enjoyed each other.

Happy Children's Day everyone...  :)  good night.

No Regrets

I thought I'd post about the top ten regrets of the first day of school... But I don't really have any. Why do I feel so sad then? Maybe because Baillie looked so worried. I hope she has a great day. I hope they all have good first days of school. Brodric has a great teacher so I know he'll be fine. Probably better than fine. Carter, if his schedule is good, will be great. I hope Bay is too.

I do this every year, worry about them the whole day till I hear if it was good or not. Which gets me to thinking... How am I going to drive away from Provo in a couple of weeks?

New School Year, New Excitement!

Oh, the blogging has to commence before tomorrow when school starts!

I wanted to share that Miss Clara Baillie has had her first camp experience. Even though it was only 1.5 days, it was a great time for her! The amazing women of our stake somehow made everything from a weeks worth of camp experiences fit into a day and a half! I don't know how they did it, but they did and it was a huge success. One of the saddest but neatest things was that Baillie shared that she was sad that she didn't have a sister at camp with her. "Everyone had a sister" was how she saw it. Then she actually let Kendahl know that she really wished she had been there. And she hugged her!! I thought that was really neat! They are two very different girls and it's not often I see the affection between them. So I was grateful. Not that Baillie felt alone, but that she realized the need for the love of a sister. Some day maybe they will find a need for one another.

In two and a half weeks we take Kendahl up to school. I am getting so nervous. I have high hopes for her and I also am scared to death to drop her off and let her live life on her own!! I think sometimes a mom is too close to see or know how their child will really handle themselves when given all the choices. Knowing their strengths as well as their weaknesses may not always be the best place to be.

What I do know is that she is capable and she is smart and she has it in her to live an amazing life. I love her smile and her laughter. She's friendly and while she thinks she will have a hard time getting along with room mates, I don't think she will! She's so cute, she made a blog for her college life. It's called "Probably Should Be Doing Homework". Here's the LINK to her page! So go read it from her point of view!

We have a busy week ahead! Should be fun. Carter is going to be in 10th grade, Clara Bay is in the 7th, and Brodric will be in the 3rd. I'm excited for them all!  We also start up piano again this week. Yay for that because I've had it with wasting time!! I'd rather them be playing piano. They played enough video games this summer to last a year!!  I told them tonight that we will be video game free for two weeks and then we'll see how it goes from there. I could let them go forever. The blessing we have as far as video games go is that our kids play very mild video games. No shooting, killing stuff!  Grateful!!! 

So, here we go!!  :)

Good News

I have a date! A date with Dr. David Suh!

On August 31st my surgery is set to happen. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you haven't read my blog for long. ;)  "This post" will tell you all about it. I'm having gastric bypass surgery. Please read the post if you have any questions. It's a good thing and I've been researching it and studying all about it for a long time. I'm ready.

There is so much I wanted to share and that I have in my mind about it, but I've gone on a "diet" the doctor put me on and I can't think anymore! I went off of caffeine, off of sugar, off of starchy foods (potatoes, pasta, bread, crackers, rice). The reason for the diet is to help me loose a little weight before surgery so that the surgery is more easily preformed. Also it is set to shrink my liver and that helps with the surgery and also the safety of it. The problem with going off of everything at once is that I'm in withdrawal!! I have been so tired! To the point that I really haven't functioned well since I started! Saturday was pretty much shot as far as doing anything was concerned!! I pretty much stayed in bed all day. Today wasn't much better. Toward the end of the day I was able to be up more and help make dinner. I hope tomorrow is even better, I have to work and be productive!!

Some people would ask, "If you can go on a diet in order to have the surgery, why can't you just go on a diet and loose the weight?" Well, I'll tell you. Until you've walked in my shoes.... No, after three days of doing the diet I was asking myself that. My answer is that I know in a short time I am going to have a tool that will help me continue and if I can make it through this short time, I will soon have help. That makes all the difference in the world for me!

I'm still scared. I'm sad. I miss food. We were grocery shopping last night and just walking around the store was hard. Everything in the store is cereal, cookies, bread, etc! Everything! I may have to say a million times how much I miss food. I'm only on day 3 and the thought of if is overwhelming.

My biggest worry is if I can really trust myself. That's pretty much what it's all about! And it's something I have been working on my whole life! No one else matters in this whole weight loss surgery thing. It doesn't matter what people think, it doesn't matter what they say. Lots of people tell me "don't do it!" And it doesn't bother me. It's ok. It's not about them. I guess I need "support", but mostly from myself.  It really comes down to me. That's kinda heavy... no pun intended! :)  (That sounds really self centered but I don't mean it that way. I just mean that it comes down to me trusting myself.  It's hard to explain. I love all the friends and family I have that are there for me and support me!!  It does mean the world. I don't question them or their intentions, but I do question myself... That's all.)

Just a note: if you want to talk about it or ask me about it please email me!!  I would love to have the conversation. Really!  billie7744@gmail.com

grrr.

I wanted to post about good news I've had for a couple of days. But right now I'm in a grrrrr mood so I can't bring myself to find the words. Grrr and happy don't go together.

I'm feeling b.a.d. Yesterday was One complete day with no sugar and no startches and no caffeen!!!  I don't even have the energy to tell you why...  I just feel like crap.

So, hopefully after a couple days of this I will start to feel better and I can talk about it. There is good news on the horizon if you are Billie Noh, so I want to share.  I'll get around to it.   :|

Have a better Saturday than I am having !! ;]

QT

Ok Arizona people, do you really think I'd write about a corner gas station?  I think not!  (If that one person ever reads this, I'm sorry, I wasn't really making fun of you.  Just thought it was cute.)  Although, QT is an awesome corner gas station and often a gathering place for friends and family...And... I wish they had them in California!  But I"m not going to write about that QT now.

This time QT stands for Quick Trips I take to Arizona that are awesome and a secret little pleasure of mine.  I snuck one of those in this weekend.  Scott and Brodg and I ran to AZ for a total of 32 hours! Not including driving time of course.  It was wonderful to spend time with Stephanie helping her with ideas for her bathroom remodel.  We looked at tons of paint samples, tile samples, lighting, vanity's and other bathroom kinds of stuff. It was fun.  While we were doing all that Scott and Cory worked on mudding and sanding the bathroom. We didn't do enough, but it was nice to be there doing with them at all.

The other perks to the QT were dinner with my parents and sisters and a much needed visit to see my grandma. I feel blessed that we have to means and ability to travel in comfort and speed.  I need those trips. The only thing that could make it better would be stolen time with other friends I love too!!

And on another note, I sat tonight reading through posts from a year and two years ago. I wrote some good stuff. (If I don't say so myself.)  I don't know where my head went, but I'm not there now. But just reading back and feeling some of the feelings from the past made me want to be a better person. I have it in me. We all do! But I get busy and stop taking time to make the efforts it takes to be present and desire something better. Being more present in my life every day is a struggle for me. That's going to be my goal for right now! Being present in the NOW. 

This week is a busy week, but some really important things are happening and I'm getting really excited about them. My other focus is going to be of prayer. I need to do that right now too. I've been in a lax place with not just prayer, but spiritual things in general. It's time to step it up! Good things are going to happen! 

back again! FINALLY

Summer is almost over, but we got to the Beach!  Finally!  I've missed walking in the sand. The salty water on my feet, wind in my face and sand everywhere!  We spent more time on the freeways than we did in the water, but it was all worth it. Our three kids and our neighbor's daughter went with me. I had fun taking pictures with a app camera on my phone.  There are so many more where these came from. Pretty cool.

And while we were doing this Miss Kendahl was working hard at SM with her dad, trying to earn some money for college. She's been doing great there this past week or so. I'm proud of her.

blogbook

Sometimes: no need to post on facebook.
Sometimes: want to post a few a day.
It's a sharing thing. I just get silly or weird and want to share. I think I'm a sharer... Or is it some sickness that the sharer's have? Why do some people share multiple times a day and some people never share? I could go on and on with this, but I don't think it will turn out good. :) 

In the words of facebook, here's "what's on your {my} mind?" lately.

We had a sicko big roach march right through the door into my bedroom the other night!  He thought he owned my house! We had a good 'ol fightin match and I WON!  :)  That dang roach is dead at the bottom of a flower vase. I hate him so much I don't want to touch the vase and dump him...  Remind me to tell my husband to do that!

The weather has been so nice this week!! Mid 80's in the middle of July, that's great!!  But my beautiful summer rash has returned on my legs!  If I get the least bit hot my calves burst into this itchy red hot rash.  It has happened for a few years now since we went on our trip back east.  I doesn't like it at all! :(

Why is it that everything I say needs a :) or a :( ...  I must be be pretty black and white. Good or Bad, Happy or Sad...

Anyway, work. Work, work, work.... Lots to do at work to heal a company! Lots to do to build a company and/or keep it afloat.  Work, work, work...work, work.

AND sleep. Or the lack there of. I am definitely a night owl!!  I like being up at night. I like everything about it. Now that doesn't mean I don't like sleep, but I definitely like it in the morning! Not a morning person. Nope. I'm happy when I wake up-I just would rather not be awake. Wish I could make my own hours in life.

That's about it for the random blogbook posts. I promise, I'll post again sometime!  :))))

Help! I'm going to try "low carb"!

I seriously want your help!

 I'm having signs and symptoms of diabetes... shocker, right?! Well actually, my doctor told me I was "pre-diabetic" a few months back and gave me a blood sugar tester. I'm telling you now, I pretty much have diabetes. My blood sugars are way off the beaten path! I mean they aren't even close to where they should be.  So... in trying to be real with myself, I'm going to make the effort. Tonight I was searching for websites that gave ideas or recipes for low carb options.  None of them look very yummy.  But I'm going to try to do it anyway, because at this point I'm thinking I really need to.

So... If anyone who reads this blog has any ideas or recipes for me, I'm open to hearing and trying!!!  Please share. For now I'm going to take it one meal at a time and try to plan a little ahead so that I have something to eat at work as well.

: /  I hope I can get through breakfast tomorrow.

4th

Kind of a fun day today. I was excited to cook a bit. I'm not a great hostess, I need to learn timing better. It didn't seem like things came out at the right time. Meat done too soon, potato salad not quite cold enough when it needed to be, you know, that kind of thing. But all in all it went well.
I had fun trying a few different recipe's. I made a great simple fruit salad, it needs some perfecting but it has a lot of potential. I need to cut the fruit in bigger pieces. for some reason it seemed to get smaller after it was mixed. But, the stuff you put on the fruit - YuMmY! It's called lemonade pudding fruit salad. See, doesn't that just sound good?!  :)   I got Kendahl to cook with me. Kind of a rare thing.  She was making zesty lemon squares (my favorite). But we had never made them before and I found a recipe. They were pretty good, but for some reason the recipe added salt to the crust. Ya, that wasn't such a good idea. But we'll tweak that also and it'll be the best lemon squares ever!!  It was nice to cook with Kendahl. She was pleasant and willing and that was nice.
We had the norm over, just family and the Brooksby's, Lyndi and a couple of Kendahl's friends, Jenni and Annie. It was relaxing and just a nice day. We had a fun adventure when Annie asked me if I could die her hair a bright red color... Just a few pieces of her hair. It turned out cute and we joked a while about how her mom and dad were going to kill her.  So to add to the fun we got out the fake tattoo's that Kendahl had (why Kendahl has a collection of fake tattoo's I just don't know) and some sticker "earrings" which Annie put on her nose, and we were all set!  Annie went home with died hair, a tattoo, and a nose ring...  She said her mom didn't kill her, but instead laughed.  Whew, I'm glad for that!  We thought she'd think the Noh's are just a bad influence all around!  :) 
The day was enjoyable and ended with a long thunderstorm/rain shower!  Perfect ending to a great day! 

The Weekend News

[The tool shed on top of our entertainment center!]

I like being cool!  No I mean I like NOT being hot, get it?  Cool... on the inside.  I don't like being hot!  I don't like sweating, I don't like dieing in the sun...  Lucky for me it doesn't get too hot here. Maybe 10-20 days out of the year it gets over 100*. But on the days it gets hotter than 100, our AC just can't keep up!  It's not because it's an old unit, no, it's not even 3 years old yet, but sure enough, when the temp rises, the AC shuts off!!! And of course that always seems to happen on a weekend!!!  So today... HOT! AC shuts off and it was probably nearly 90* in the house!  Scott's working on fixing the swamp cooler tonight, so that when the temps rise tomorrow we will have some kind of cooling going on. I hate the swamp cooler.  Too swampy. But better than 90* in the house!

Next ramble, why is it when my house is clean and things are looking relatively good, no one pops over?  No neighbors come to say hi, no friends come over to bring a thankyou treat...?  But on the week that we've been working all week on projects and on the a weekend that we've been working outside all day and not done a blessed thing in the house, that's when friends pop by at night to say hi!!?  I swear it is so embarrassing!  Ya, the top of our entertainment center looks like the tool shed. In my living room right now is an old mattress waiting for my sister to pick it up cause she wanted it.  There are bags on the floor from today's shopping trip to home depot and the pool store. There are boxes of fans that need to go in the kids room.  There is a project left in the middle of the room from my oldest son who became sick half way through the day and he didn't finish the project or pick up his shoes or anything else.  And so on and so on!!  I have a reason or story I could tell for everything that is in the messy living room.... But none of that matters in the moment the doorbell rings!  I mean really, I had to move a 4" paint brush off the couch so the company could sit down!  Why was the paint brush on the couch???  Oh my goodness... : /  Dang I love those friends though, and I hope they still love me!!

This weekend is a long one with the 4th of July on Monday.  I'm looking forward to having people over!  And Yes, the house will be clean!!!  Tomorrow, Sunday, will be a cleaning day after church.  That's how it goes here sometimes!  I need to think of good food to make for Monday. :)  Happy weekend my friends!

Dear God

Pretty often I think that if I had the opportunity to ask God questions I would overwhelm him with the question, "WHY?" (It's probably not the most productive way to live my life. I should consider stopping that bad habit!) But today I saw an article someone posted on facebook and it really made all the why's of life go away.  I liked it soo much I thought I'd share.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/05/08/elias.plane.crash/index.html

I liked reading it better than watching it. It really gave me pause about the important things in my life.

Blogstalker

I'm going to stalk my own blog so I can have a follower!  :D

I've been busy. I should write about it. But I think I'll take a nap first!

Home Alone

I'm home alone tonight. Younger kids are all tucked away at Stephanie's house and the olders are resting nicely in Nauvoo, I hope!  Scott is on a campout with the scouts. So, here I am.

I made broccoli soup in a bread bowl. A bit strange since I don't even cook often for the family and it's hot outside. But I've been craving it and it sounded so good. I was going to start painting the "new" boys room, but decided I wouldn't pull out all the paint stuff tonight. I'll get a good start early in the morning. In the morning, is another day. I hope I have some drive to get stuff done tomorrow!!

Beauty on the road to hell. :) Just kidding! Amazing Beauty!

So, we traveled down to Hell oops, I mean Mesa today! (Hell only refers to the heat here!) On the way we got off at the Sedona turnoff and went the opposite direction of Sedona in order to go to a little creek called Beaver Creek. It was Beautiful and we had a wonderful time!!  Here are some pictures from that. I apologize but my camera had a smudge on the lens, so if it looks blurry, it is!

The red rocks were the reddest rocks I have ever seen!!  These pictures don't at all do justice to them, but it was amazing.

It was deep enough in spots to jump off the rocks into the water.

Again, the camera doesn't capture the beauty of the landscape, but it was amazing.

My little lizard sunning himself on the rocks trying to stay warm.

Us under the fuzzy camera lens. :)

Bearizona Fun!

As promised, a few pictures from the Bearizona trip. I wish it was sooner, but the internet wasn't too quick at the cabin and it was driving me nuts!  Bearizona is a Zoo/Wild Animal park in Williams. It is about two years old. You drive a 3 mile loop and see all kinds of neat animals up close and personal. Then they have exhibits that are like a zoo and the baby animals are in pins. And they also have a petting zoo. It was really neat!

These are white bison. the picture is not good as it was taken through the window. But they were huge and pretty cool. In the petting zoo part there was a baby white bison that looked like a tiny little cow. But it is going to grow up to be huge like these guys!  So cute!

These are the crazy bears!! We probably saw 5 or so more than this. It was eating time so they were pretty active. They gave us a show and a couple of them started a little fight. It was pretty cool and scary! 

The baby bears were the coolest!!  They were rambunctious and fun to watch! We watched them for quite a while. At eating time they were playful with the worker and tried to take her buckets, climb her legs and all kinds of stuff.  This picture was cool cause that little guy is on his hind legs begging.

And this was so fun. These little guys got way high up in a tiny tree and played around. It was swaying back and forth and they didn't seem to care at all. Sooo cute!

Williams

We are so blessed to have a place to call home in Williams, AZ! It is truly a home away from home for us. We only come a couple of times a year, so that makes us sad, but we invite people up to use it and hopefully it gets enough love! Since it's summer break we took the first opportunity to come up! We've been here for a few days and finally went out on some great adventures today!!

First off a hike that wasn't too short and wasn't too long and was beautiful! It took us to some Indian ruins and petroglyphrics. Here are some pictures.

After hiking a ways we came to the meadow with BIG rocks!

Carter hiking around.

Brodric and the pietroglyphrics. (Long word, but Kendahl educated us that they aren't hieroglyphics.)

Caves

 Ok, there were some more really cute pictures of the caves and kids on top of the big rocks, but seriously it's taken FOREVER just to get this dang blogger to allow these!  So I ran out of patience.  Maybe another time!!

K, now if I can get any other pictures to download I would like to show the other half of the day. We had a great time at Bearizona!!  It is a drive through zoo, wildlife animal park thing. It is way cool! So tomorrow I'll try to get those pictures up. They are way cute!

For now I'm done!  Worn out from a long day.  :)

Brodric's Baptism

This handsome young man was baptized on June 4th! He turned 8 only two days earlier and was excited about his baptism!

I took this picture before someone told me that I can't take photo's in the chapel.  But it turned out so cute I had to share!  :)

This is Brodric's freind John who was baptized a few months earlier than him. He is a convert and is 10 years old. I think he was a really good example for Brodric!

These are most of the cousins that are Brodric's age. Brodric was the first to be baptized, but the rest will come quickly. In fact, Charli is going to be baptized this weekend!

So, we had a swim party for him, and that is why he is scantly dressed.  :)  He had a music birthday cake. Thank heavens for Costco. I didn't have time to do one!!

Another pict of the cute cousins his age.

And, here's the fam after the baptism. Pretty good day I'd say.

Kendahl Graduated!

Well, here she is, the Graduate!!  And it's all uphill from here. We're proud of Kendahl and her wonderful grades and her admittance to BYU! We love her and look forward to all the exciting things to come!

Things I Learned Today

1. Old people are old and wise and you should listen to them. No matter how old you are and no matter how old they really are, they have been there, done that, and lived to tell you how not to do it! So listen!

2. All of the problems we think we have are made bigger right between our ears!

3. We should trust ourselves more. We’ve made it this far, why would we go off the deep end now?

4. Fears are big, but we can’t let them take control. When you are loosing your grip on the perch look at #10.

5. One day you may look in the mirror and say; “Damn, I look good, but I’m still sad.” Or we may look in the mirror and say; “Damn I look good!” (I’m not sure what I learned from that, but I remember it…)

6. Jesus Christ heals. At some point He will heal us all. Time may be involved, but we will heal.

7. In the end God will work it all out.

8. When the road ahead is going to be difficult, make sure you are surrounded by supportive, loving people! (Who are awesome and cool and wise!)

9. Good friends are more precious than gold. (Just relearned that one, I already knew it!)

10. It’s all going to be ok. (I relearned that one too. I have to keep relearning that one, but it’s true!)

overwhelmed

One of the most difficult weeks I can ever remember. Feeling totally overwhelmed...

Am I allowed to be honest on here, or is there a blog clause that says I have to pretend everything is ok?

I was talking to someone at church who brought up, letting others crash and burn, or trying to save them from the pain of it.  I said that we all crash and burn at some point, don't we?  This has truly been a crash and burn week for me. 

I wonder how long it will last.

Dear Diary...

I started this day with nothing prepared for Easter Sunday. I'm ending it ready! So happy about that. I was busy today. Obviously had a lot of running around to do. As my Mesa family started posting their pictures of Easter picnic's I kinda got a little sad I wasn't there... But that went away quickly. :)

Tonight we went to a choir concert Kendahl's choir put on. It was really nice. It was a "Dessert Theater". (Get it? Like a dinner theater?). Ken sang a solo from Hairspray. "I can hear the bells". She did a good job!

Tomorrow is ham, funeral potatoes, salad, and rolls. Yum! Loooking forward to a nice Easter Sunday.

a special day

I'm so looking forward to Saturday!!  But I'm starting to have anxiety about it.  It's like the only day to get things done. So WhAt To Do FiRst??  What if we don't get much done at all?  That would stink!  And then there's the charity fund raiser...  Ahhhh, I don't know if anything will get done.  Saturday is stressful and great all at the same time.

Back To The Kids!

I think I'm in love with my kids!  And isn't that great? 
They have been sick. :(  Strep.  That makes me sad. But, it has given me a chance to stay home from work two days this week that I didn't know I would be.  I was so glad!  I got to do dishes and keep the kitchen clean for a few days straight.  That was fun!  Just like a theme park....  I also have made dinner and kinda enjoyed the time in the kitchen. :)  Fun, fun!  Seriously it has been good though.

But, a couple of cool things happened today to make me happy.  First of all I had three of them at the doctors, and I have to say, Thank Heavens for Technology!  I hardly heard a word out of them.  *hehe  They were great, no complaints about the three long hours we were there.  That was nice.  

Next cool thing, I made chicken noodle soup for dinner. Carter had a bowl and then lets out something like... "That was just what I needed. It made me feel better all over. No more sore throat, no more headache!"  That made me feel so good!!  I hardly ever get compliments about dinner.

Last cool thing, Baillie is playing Volleyball with the city and she is LOVING it!  She is so cute!  Tonight she had a game and she stepped up!!  She did great!  She served so good, she got some hits that were awesome and she had a wonderful time.  This is only her second game this year and of her life for that matter!  So cool.

Oh and the last cool thing was that my kids laughed together tonight and enjoyed each other.  They haven't gotten back into a good bed routine after Spring break.  So they can't seem to get to sleep at a decent time, but they were sure happy and fun tonight. 

K, there you go about the awesome ones.  :)

Picture-less in Mesa

I actually took pictures with my phone, but don't have anything to show for it because I don't have a converter to use to post them.  Story of my blog life lately. I don't mind necessarily, but it makes it more boring. Oh well.
I've been considering taking this blog private...  I didn't think I'd ever want to do it, but I have reasons to change my mind. We'll see.

I've been in Mesa for nearly a week. It's been different. I haven't gone out of my way to see friends. Mostly spent time with family. I'm struggling to have a desire to see people, INCLUDING family. 

Things I wish I had pictures of...  That BEAUTIFUL baby!!  What a special baby Savanna is. I can't believe how peaceful she is. She has a way about her, her calm spirit calms those around her. She is just filled with the feelings of peace and love. Yes, she cries and gets tired, but you can see her little self trying to be "good" anyway. What a sweety.

Grandma. I would come here just to see her! I love her. It's hard to see her mind going. If you are with her for a short while you may think she is totally normal, but if you spend a little more time with her you will notice she starts asking you something she just asked you about, and then she'll do it again and again.  She asks repeatedly, "did I hug you already?"  I went to see her on Wednesday, but she didn't remember the next day that I had been over. She can't remember one day to the next on a lot of things. There's not much to talk about, but she wants to talk. She talks of being homesick, but I don't know if she really knows what she's homesick for. It's hard for my heart to see. It feels like an ache that I can't relieve.  I miss her!!!!!!  I miss her mind!!!  I love her!!!

All the kids, cousins, have been so great to each other. They are cute and sweet and wonderful.  I could always take tons of pictures of them.

It's been fun here, but some depression in me has felt heavy. Not fun..  I miss our home, I'm ready to be there.

Here We Go

It's time I guess. I'm just going to get it out there. There comes a time in every large person's life when you have to look at really tough things. Well, I've been looking, and I've come to the decision that I am going to have gastric bypass surgery. I know, I know, everyone has an opinion about the idea, and that's ok. I'm even open to you sharing if you'd like. And I hope that there is a time I can share all my thought processes and reasonings right back.

It took a lot of time, education, hurt, and health for me to come to the decision. But I have gotten there, and I'm excited!! I am not nervous or afraid. I only have high hopes for the process. I do not expect this to be an "easy way out", neither do I expect the out come to be particularly pretty. But I hope for a long healthy life! I hope for energy and enthusiasm. I hope for an all around positive, difficult, awesome, scary, hard, great outcome!

Now, bummer that haven't blogged in a while and this is all you are getting, but, this is all you are getting. Tomorrow maybe I'll go back to telling you how great my kids are and shareing all the cool things they are doing again. But for today it's about me and life changing, drastic, necessary decisions.

Smiles everyone! (Remember that guy from Fantasy Island?) :)

Beautiful Day

A picture is worth a thousand words. Since I'm blogging from the iPad I dont have one, but I wish I did. It would be of my friend Lyndi, with a huge smile on her face. Today she was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Her faith and her willingness astound me! Her humility and her testimony inspire me. She is a beautiful soul! I am a better person becaus of my association with her! Her spirit lifts me!

Lyndi's life has been anything except smooth sailing. I can not think of a person I have met who has trials like hers. She grew up in conditions that a child should never experience. She was disowned by her family many, many years ago. She has no family other than her own biological chidren and step children. Yet, Lyndi is soft, is aware of beauty around her and is totally in tune with the spirit.

Today she said, "I am resolute! I have no doubt that what I am doing is the right thing." I am so blessed to be her friend!

Dear Marina

Dear Marina,CA,

It's flattering that friends and family enjoy my blog, or at least look at it every once in a while so I don't feel like I am writing to no one... But,I can't figure out who you are. So, if I know you please reveal yourself.

I understand it if I don't know you. I mean, I blogstock every once in a while too. But, it may be getting a bit serious. For a couple of days now you've been hanging around. You have been to my friends sites too, and frankly it's starting to freak me out a bit.

Please feel free to tell me I'm crazy and that you're my long lost cousin. I'd love to visit or something. I need a good trip to the northern coast! We can really connect out in the open.

Sincerely, your loving novice blogger,
Billie

ramblings and stuff

Oh... *heavy sigh*... I don't have a computer to write on lately. Its a pain because when I want to write I can't. At least not very easily. Right now I'm writing on an iPad, with the three finger hunt and peck method. Don't like it much... But I have thoughts to get out.

Nearly every week or day or month or minute it seems like I am watching my kids grow before my eyes. It's humbling as a mother to watch them. Tonight Baillie grew up a little. She went to her first volley ball practice. Papa took her and the situation was scary for her, for various reasons. When she got home she let out her fear and cried. But, because I wasn't there she had to deal with it on her own. I told her, "you grew up some tonight." She agreed. Since the new year this sweet girl has continued to be our catalyst for scripture reading. It has been so nice. I love this girl with all my heart.

Carter had a couple of presentations at the school tonight. His Teachers Quarm came to support him. His teacher said to me, "I just love Carter, he is so smart". And you can tell he really does. Carter is the kind of boy you want your kids to hang around with. Last week he was in honor band, (he was amazing and wonderful in it... Cuz I said so), we carpooled with his friend Katherine. He was so kind and gentleman like. He didn't open the door for her, but when we went to her house he got out of the front seat, then sat in the back by her. They are just friends but it seemed like he wanted to make her comfortable. He is a sweet boy. Always.

Kendahl brightened my evening tonight with her smile. She has a beautiful smile and a cute little giggle. I worry a lot about her, with this being her senior year and all the college stuff. I fear how adulthood and life will treat her. But... If she takes her smile and her giggle with her she'll get through anything.

And finally... My nearly adult 7 year old is just as amazing as all three of the others! I write often about him.

I'm blessed. Very blessed!!

Just wanted to say all of that. I wish I could type in a regular manner and then I would be able to write a lot more.